pillows

behold! my first attempt at a pinwheel quilt square! i think it turned out quite nicely, and it's a perfect little throw pillow for my couch.



what was once a super-cute vintage sweater (that had unfortunately been felted in a washing machine, i assume accidentally, long before i owned it), is now another cute throw pillow. this sweater was given to me a few years ago by my boss at the antiques store i worked at, but it was too felted to wear. i've held onto it for quite some time, because i was too attached to the sweet '60s paisley to let go. a few weeks ago, i finally busted out the sewing machine, cut off the arms and neck, and stitched it into a pillow. must say, i'm quite happy with the repurposed results!

kill your tv

when we moved from koreatown to the house above the museum, we opted to not get cable service (which my original roommate in k-town had set up), or even have any tv option at all. yes, we do have a television, but all it is connected to is a dvd player.

a few notes: i grew up watching massive amounts of tv. this is not an understatement. my brother and i were latchkey kids for a chunk of our childhood, so tv offered comforting white noise and cartoons while we waited for mom and dad to come home. in our defense, we would often go outside and play in our neighborhood. i also have an uncontrollable love for many television programs, however that group is selective, at best. the simpsons is a cornerstone not only of my childhood, adolescense and adulthood, but i solidly view the first 10 seasons as integral to the person i have become, and i'm actually quite happy about that. pee-wee's playhouse? please. i love it. strangers with candy and mr. show are also highly valued. also, it should be noted that i have personally profited from the teevee machine: last october, i won $13k on trivial pursuit: america plays. i like to think of it as, "i recession-proofed myself, and got to meet peter brady in the process!"

what i'm no longer okay with, however, is having to constantly explain myself. maybe it's my own hang-ups about the issue, but the more i think about tv, the more i'm a little disgusted. every time i come home to visit my family, the tv is on. or when i call, i can hear it blaring in the background. often, i hear, "the office is just about to end, can i call you in 10 minutes?" this is all well and good, i suppose, but really? finishing what i view as a sub-par version of what was already a brilliant (not to mention brilliantly brief) british show is more important than talking to your daughter? having friends ask if i've seen the latest episode of whatever show i never liked to begin with, usually goes a little like this: "no, i haven't seen it...we haven't had tv in over a year!" "oh, well you can always watch it online."

you know what? i don't want to watch it online (exceptions made for the daily show and colbert, which never seem to load anyway, so i don't even get to watch those). i don't miss tv. i don't miss commercials. i don't miss getting sucked into some lame excuse for an advertising bloc (also known as 'tv shows')...although to be honest, that rarely happened anyway. because what is tv conveying to us anyway? fucked up gender roles. fucked up ads. 'news' that isn't actually 'news,' but some strange form of celebrity worship. oprah trying to change our lives, with her cadre of male gurus (has anyone noticed this? dr. phil, dr. oz...oprah, where are the ladies?). did i mention the ads? it all seems like "fahrenheit 451" is coming true...televisions everywhere, televisions that talk directly to you, make you feel like you're a part of something, even though you aren't. i love dvds, because i have the capability to control exclusively what television and film media i consume. and frankly, i have quite discriminating tastes, which can no longer be sated by the films released in theaters and the shows produced on tv. i'm proud that i opt out of the system. thank god for netflix, and public libaries, and friends with rad tastes (and dvds to lend!). thank god for saving money by not paying for crappy entertainment in the form of cable. i don't think i want tv ever again, honestly. all i need is a dvd player, and i've got the entertainment i need. i can watch news on the internets, or listen to npr.

sometimes i think i should suggest to friends and family that they go without tv for some chunk of time. see how they start to feel, what they start to do to occupy their time instead. maybe they'd end up making baby blankets like me (more on that later)!

all that said, i have two final points: i'd really love the golden girls on dvd. also, i do still miss cash cab. but believe me when i say...i'm going to move to nyc for grad school (fingers crossed!), and by god, i will make it onto that cab. and ben bailey will be impressed with my trivia knowledge. after all, peter brady was!

handmade nation!

last night, me and some of my foxiest lady friends piled into a benz station wagon, headed to the silent movie theater, and watched the handmade nation documentary. um, it was rad. despite the headache inducing camera work (we also made the mistake of sitting in the first row...damn those deceiving comfy couches!), the film was inspiring, to say the least. i loved being able to see some of my favorite crafty entrepreneurs on camera, and it was just another lovely reminder of why crafting has become so important to me. while not a main thrust of the film, there were definitely some crafters who said what i wanted to hear, which was that the idea behind a lot of modern crafting is to take oneself out of the loop of sweatshop labor. i'd say more crafters cited eco-consciousness as a driving force behind their creativity and creations, but for me the labor abuses so central to the production of our goods is what makes me want to create. and the movie gave me a little bit of hope that maybe, just maybe i could turn my love of creating and crafting into a living, and one that could make a difference. because what could be better than crafting for a cause? for me, nothing.

anyway, the point is: find a screening near you. watch. enjoy. and create!

yesterday was fairly awful...woke up at 6am because i had an uncontrollable urge to vomit. which i did. everything i'd eaten the day before (which was all crap, and i knew it/felt it). this is becoming sort of routine, where every few weeks i am rousted from sleep because my body is telling me it's time to throw up. i don't particularly know why....i'm still gluten free, and in general feel a lot better than i had been feeling for the last few years. throwing up constantly was also a theme these last few years, so i'm sort of bothered that it keeps happening, even sans gluten. GOD i wish i had health insurance. anyway, i feebly crept back into bed, only to be rousted once again by big t, who was in dc and asking about appointments i didn't even know he was supposed to have (in this instance, ladies and gentlemen, i was NOT at fault). so i spent a groggy, sick morning on the phone with congresspeople's chiefs of staff, desperately trying to get him in for that day. sometimes i hate my line of work.

the worst news, however, came with the news that *BAM* ryan starts work in orange county on monday morning, bright and early. excuse me? my partner is more than likely going to be living an hour away 5 days a week, starting in like 4 days??!? and i had no warning that this was even on the table. maybe it will be good for us, but more than likely i'm just going to go back to missing him the way i used to, and only seeing him on weekends. and feeling lonely more often than not.

to cap things off, i was most definitely sexually harrassed by a very creepy french man locking up my bike outside the library right before i was supposed to tutor. and i lost out to greg in poker last night (at least the boys paid my way in to get me to play...suckers, i came thisclose to winning that pot o'cash!).

i will try to think positive. because on november 11, i will be seeing a live performance of the image at the top of this entry. on november 11, i will be seeing pee-wee herman live. LIVE. IN THE FLESH. i hope you understand when i say...this has been a lifelong dream of mine.

my computer is a mess. my room is a mess. my office desk...also a mess. my life? probably a mess.

i'm about to have my name published in a book for work i did, but i can't help feeling like i've let the ball drop indefinitely. i screw up constantly, am always two steps behind. which makes me feel like i'm not good enough to do what i'm doing, or what i want to do with my life. post college living is burnout living, for me at least. i worked like a dog all through high school and college, got dicked around by admissions (pardon the harsh language), and scraped my way to the top with a great job. well, the top being a personal apex, acme, peak...whichever crossword answer you prefer.

but i'm often frustrated, depressed, and lack motivation. i've been feeling more and more like i've been letting my life snowball out of control, which i know of course isn't true. but it FEELS like it. the mac i bought two years ago brand new is filthy, cracked, scratched, and overloaded with files (good thing my game show winnings paid off the loan!). yes, i bought an external hard drive, but i've also been *ahem* lazy in transferring files onto it and off of my computer. and it doesn't help that i often share my computer with julia, since her computer has been dying a slow, slow death. it's a weird example, but i just feel like i can't even do right by a computer, my computer no less.

this past weekend i went through some of my boxes of stuff that are still at my parents' house. it brought back weird memories, some good, some bad. but what i mostly noticed was just how much stuff i have. and how hard it has been, and will be to get rid of it. now that ryan is living with me, i've realized, for instance, just how voluminous my collection of garments is. at this point, he doesn't even have his own drawer, while i occupy my wardrobe, dresser, and closets. how shitty is that? part of me thinks, "it's okay emily, he moved in to your life, and this is what happens when you're limited by space." the other, more rational and decent part of me thinks, "wow, you really need to pare down everything." and i do. i feel like i need to shed my skin or something. become a new, better person. because all i do is fuck up. and do things the wrong way, or not well enough. i haven't even written a letter to alex in prison yet, and his birthday is next week.

but i always feel this way...this could be in large part because of the dynamic of my first and longest relationship, which lasted 5 years. where i was constantly made to feel demanding, bitchy, stupid, and just plain wrong. needless to say, it was one of those abusive relationships that so many women end up in. and while it's been almost 4 years (my god) since it ended, i'm still very much wounded, and have many of the hang-ups i developed in the relationship. that's what i get for dating that bozo from age 15 to almost 21.

so what do i do? i know i don't have many (if any, let's be real here) readers to answer. i think the answer is probably therapy. maybe actually joining a yoga class. and writing that letter to alex (if you want to, he would appreciate the correspondence...find out more here). and getting rid of clothes i haven't worn in too long, so ryan doesn't have to live out of bags and suitcases. and maybe i'll just do what i should have done a long time ago and put together a list of important people's contact information for tom. at least then work will be a little easier, right?

bunnies, bunnies, bunnies bunniieees, bunnies!

it's no secret that i love amy sedaris. 'strangers with candy' defined my high school years, and i like you was life-changing (more in 2010 on her next book, which is supposedly about 'long-forgotten crafts'). when my first roommate tricia brought home her bunny, harry, to our mariposa apartment, i was excited, but nervous, to finally have a rabbit in my life. amy helped me overcome my rabbit anxiety. a fierce lover of rabbits, she even dedicates a chapter of i like you to bunny care, treats and housing. and she modeled her home to be bunny friendly. could she be any more amazing?


unfortunately, harry passed on last spring. with our museum house, we inherited two bunny landlords from danrae. they always seemed to be pretty shy, so i knew it wouldn't be like it was with harry (he was a little cuddlemuffin). girl bunny and boy bunny were given a pile of dirt and some tunnels in my outdoor patio room, thus making it dusty bunnyland. then the poo. it soon became obvious there was no way to tame the beast. it was simply too hard to clean. the dirt would get pushed around by the bunnies in digging sessions, which would often inhibit opening the door to feed them or change their water. then the bugs started appearing -- miller moths and fleas, and gnats to your heart's content. we had a problem on our hands. what made things more difficult was the bunnies's resistance of coming inside the house itself again (they had once roamed free in what is now julia's bedroom). ryan and i started becoming increasingly concerned about their health, so this past week, my man stripped off the shirt and got to shovelling out the dirt and poo, bucket after bucket (*side note - i now know there's nothing dreamier than a man willing to get filthy and sweaty to improve the life of our two bunnies. i swear he's crazier about them than i am). i made a vet appointment, which was going to be interesting since we'd barely even pet the bunnies without them running away. once most of the dirt was gone, it became easier to wrangle them into their carrier. the vet was wonderful, getting down on the ground to gently hold them and observe them, giving us the good news that they were actually quite healthy, with the exception of their fleas. their long nails were clipped, and we came home to finish cleaning out their old dirt mound.


so their home went from this...



...to this!


see boy bunny hiding in the back? he's a little more shy than his sister. they seem to love their new habitat. they can finally run again, and there isn't dust everywhere. they have a litter box (as opposed to living in one), and new toys. the next step is building some ramps so they can go up to the second and third levels of the patio, which would probably double their living space. but for now, they have a fresh and clean start. flea medicine arrived in the mail today (yay for kitten advantage being rabbit friendly!), so they should be flea-free by morning, which means no more biting, scratching, and excessively grooming each other. although for now, they have to be kept apart, which is so heartbreaking...they obviously love each other so much and just want to cuddle and hop around together. but the gate will come down in a few hours, and they'll be back to looking like this...



p.s. - the best part is...the vet told us that with a little work and patience, the bunnies would probably get more affectionate with us. now that their area is clean, i've actually been able to go sit and pet them (i've even picked them up!). oh, how i've missed the feel of a warm little bunny on my lap.

driving through inglewood on saturday, on what turned out to be a surprisingly pleasant trip to michael's (i'm normally brought down by the atmosphere and general lack of good supplies), i stopped at a light where there was a homeless man with a little dog. ever since i can remember, i've been giving money or food to homeless people. there's something particularly special and heartbreaking about homeless individuals with pets...i know if i were on the streets, i would want the companionship and loyalty of an animal with me at all times. luckily, i had some bills on me (not a normal occurrence...is anyone else bothered by how difficult it can actually be to acquire cash money these days??), so i checked to make sure no one was coming in the lane between us, and motioned to the man that i had money for him. he jogged over to my window and leaned in, his leathered and aged face beaming with a smile, as he thanked me. i smiled and gave him my usual, "take care," and he stumbled a little over his words when he said, "i love...i love your smile." i probably turned a few shades of pink, and said thank you with a nervous laugh (i don't take compliments very well). then the light turned green, i waved and smiled, he returned the gesture, and i drove away.

over the years i've come to realize that homeless men generally give the best compliments. one guy in east l.a. yelled out to me after we'd passed each other that he thought i dressed really well (i'd smiled and said, "hi" to him as we passed). another at an off-ramp told me i was beautiful (don't hear that very often), and one old man outside of a 7-11 in greg's old neighborhood said, "they're filming across the street, you ought to go over and flash that smile at them...they'd see they'd cast the wrong lady!" i think what it boils down to is this: i staunchly believe that homeless people probably have seen the best and worst of humanity. people in l.a. aren't necessarily kind to homeless people, so i think those moments of acknowledgement, be it a smile or a buck to say, "hey, i understand that what you're going through is impossibly difficult, but there are those of us who care and who see what you are going through." back to my point...the reason these compliments always move me is because they are so genuine, and are such a departure from normal, day-to-day interactions with many individuals in this world.

i wish i could have given the man at the off-ramp more money, but i hope it made some small difference. and i wish i could tell that man that he made my day.